Flash Post: Courtesy of Depression

I didn’t anticipate writing this post and I’ve only put in about two minutes of forethought before opening my computer and pounding it out on the keyboard. I’m thinking as I write.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I briefly faded out of the mental health advocacy scene for about a month and a half. The distance from a cause I care deeply about wasn’t intentional, but after graduating and no longer being a part of any of my university’s mental health orgs that had kept me so busy, I felt like I had less of a platform to speak about mental health issues.

Additionally, the task of constantly learning about, defending, and advocating for things so closely connected to my own personal struggle was exhausting. The work that I did was gratifying in a lot of ways, but also triggering and defeating at times, and on a very personal level.

But tonight, I have things to say. Tonight, I am depressed.

Major Depressive Disorder – one of my diagnoses – is chronic, meaning it never truly goes away, even when I’m happy. Still, there are days when it barely affects me and I all but forget I have it. Then there are times, like now, when it practically takes over.

I felt okay throughout the day, but I attribute that feeling namely to how busy I was at work; jam-packing my schedule makes it easy for me to overlook changes in my own mental health because I spend my time so focused on other things. However, when I have a moment to myself, the net struggle of the day catches up and spills down on me like an avalanche. That’s what happened when I got off work today.

First, I felt anxious and hyperactive; my mind was going a mile a minute and I couldn’t focus on anything more more than a few minutes at a time. My day post-work was sporadic and disjointed. My impulses were clear and quick, but my thoughts were scrambled and slow.

The driving force behind the irregularities in behavior appeared in the form of anxiety. It wasn’t until I took note of my out-of-character thoughts and actions and consciously told myself to slow down and stay in control that I noticed the anxiety welling up from my core. With it came depression.

I crashed rapidly. My mind continued racing, but my body no longer had the capacity to move and work as it should. I lacked energy, but I wasn’t tired; I simply couldn’t command my body to do the simple things I needed it to do: eat something healthy, take a shower.

I finally willed myself out of bed and managed to slice and eat a peach. The sweet yellow fruit awakened my body enough for me to throw on a pair of flip-flops and hop in the shower. Initially, the warm water felt good on my back and neck, but my energy depleted halfway through. I walked back to my room, damp and worn out.

Yet, after many years of fighting this familiar battle, I forced myself to do what I knew would be “good” for me. I peeled a clementine and returned a missed call to my mom. I grabbed a water bottle and climbed in bed.

Sometimes, I don’t have the energy to do any of the above, so I was proud of myself for recognizing the need for self-care and administering it with patience and realistic expectations of what I could and couldn’t handle. Tonight’s self-care did not come in the form of yoga or coloring books or bath bombs – it was simple and unglamorous and not Instagram-perfect – but it was everything I needed in the moment.

Is There Room? Being AFAB Non-Binary in Women’s Spaces

Today, I browsed GC2B’s site for a new binder (they’re having a Pride Month sale) while wearing a hot pink T-shirt that read “Women’s March on Washington, DC” across the front. Women’s March participants varied in gender, but I couldn’t help notice the irony as I looked at products tailored toward men and non-binary folks while in a shirt that so strongly aligned with womanhood and femininity. The scenario brought me back to an ongoing inner debate about where I, as a non-binary trans person, fit within feminism and women’s movements.

Earlier this year, I struggled to decide whether I should participate in International Women’s Day/Day Without A Woman. Unlike the Women’s March, DWAW sought only female participants who agreed to take a one-day hiatus from the world and encourage people to notice how important women are in our lives.

On one hand, the answer seemed clear: I do not identify as a woman, so International Women’s Day is not about me.

On the other hand, because of my body, voice, and over-all expression, the world reads me as a woman. This includes everything from using she/her pronouns (which is okay; I use both she/her and they/them) to devaluing my body and my mind in the same ways that those of people who identify as women are devalued. In my everyday life, I experience the same difficulties and privileges as most white women. Or, at the very least, most white women who are assumed to be queer.

Even when I don a necktie or sit with a masculine posture, people assume – at most – that I am a masculine woman.

The contradiction emerges when I try to make sense of where I belong as an AFAB non-binary human. Being read as a woman erases and invalidates my gender identity, but being assigned female and not having pursued any means of medical or legal gender re-assignment still makes me fair game for sexism in all its forms (wage gap, restrictions to reproductive rights, etc.). The way that my body moves through the world is as a woman…

…but also not. There are the extra aspects of binding my chest, finding men’s clothes that fit, coming out, telling people about my pronouns, deciding which spaces are okay for me to be openly non-binary and which are not.

A certain level of cis privilege accompanies my presentation. I can easily pass as cis-female when needed and am not above putting on a dress and pretending to be straight and cis when it feels necessary to my safety. I typically use women’s restrooms for the sake of convenience. A lot of trans people don’t have that ability.

But I still feel like an imposter when I enter all-female spaces, concrete or virtual. Adding an International Women’s Day frame to my Facebook profile photo felt somehow wrong, as if I was overstepping into a movement that wasn’t my own. Yet International Women’s Day stood for me in a lot of ways.

It’s complicated and nuanced and I don’t have a solid conclusion about where I fit within these conversations and spaces. While I may never arrive at a fully fleshed-out answer, I know I remain closely connected with the essence – and many experiences – of womanhood, even if “woman” doesn’t entirely describe who I am.

On Forgiveness

I have a tendency to hold onto things for longer than necessary. It’s something I’ve struggled with always, but now that I’m about to embark on a slew of new adventures, I’m being intentional about letting go of stuff I don’t need to carry around anymore.

Forgiveness can be challenging for anyone, especially as it relates to people who really hurt us, but it’s absolutely essential to the process of letting go and moving forward. Recently, in a moment of honest self-reflection, I realized that so much of my current outlook is attached to negative things that happened in the past.

While we are the aggregate of our past experiences, clinging to things that prevent us from taking in new experiences only stunts our growth as humans and prevents our hearts from flourishing to the extent we deserve. Thus, I’ve been working on forgiveness and it’s been incredible.

For years, I’ve carried around loads of animosity toward my parents and others who reacted negatively toward things like my queer identities and my battle with mental illness. While there’s still work to do and there will be tension around those topics with my parents for the foreseeable future, there’s no reason to carry around the things they said to me two, three, and four years ago.

I certainly hope my parents don’t let mistakes I made years ago continue to influence their views of who I am, and they deserve the same from me.

This realization alone helped things improve ten-fold with my parents this week. In my last post, I wrote about an ongoing disagreement between my parents and I over grad school finances. I was terrified to visit home this past weekend because I knew the issue would come up again. When it presented itself, I chose to leave behind all the other things that had made me mad at my parents and devote 100% of my focus to the situation at hand.

I not only felt less angry overall, but also became suddenly more in touch with how I felt in that moment – rather than bringing forth how I felt at various points in the past – and I realized I shared many of the same anxieties and hesitations as my parents. Instead of yelling at each other in opposition, we were able to have an honest and productive conversation about my future.

Since then, I’ve been on a major forgiving-and-letting-go spree. Forgiving and letting go is different from forgiving and forgetting in that you aren’t required to push things aside and pretend that they never happened – you’re still allowed to acknowledge the experiences and the impact they had on you – but you let yourself set them down and put them away on an imaginary shelf so you don’t have to lug them around all the time.

I’ve also begun to reach outside the realm of family and forgive those who caused pain in other areas of my life.

I do not do this in a self-pitying manner or in an attempt to blame others for things gone wrong. It’s the opposite; I’m freeing myself from the memories and experiences that have me feeling defeated so I can move forward with resilience and strengthen my relationships with the people I care about.

The forgiveness is also directed toward myself. Like many people, I am my own worst critic and I frequently beat myself up over mistakes, whether it’s been four minutes or four years since I made them. I imagine that people always see me in light of my mistakes and wrong-doings and that even long stretches of time won’t change their perspective. This happens largely because I often view myself in light of those same mistakes with the mindset that doing something bad makes me a bad person.

But I’m letting go of all of it once and for all. I’m finally facing life with a heart ablaze with love for those around me and for the soul inside my skin. Life’s short and the ugly stuff is too heavy to haul around everywhere, so I’m placing it on a shelf and running free with buoyant shoulders.

Trusting My Heart

I called off work today because I’m sick. Not being able to do much aside from lie in bed and drink tea provides the perfect opportunity for me to craft the first blog post I’ve written in weeks. Today’s topic: grad school.

The past several months have been a whirlwind of mostly incredible things. I was admitted to my first choice graduate program and secured the assistantship I wanted most. I graduated from Miami roughly a week and a half ago with a B.A. in Professional Writing and a minor in Marketing. Over-all, things were on the up-and-up.

Graduate assistantships are tremendously valued among Student Affairs programs; they’re how students gain a lot of practical experience in the field. My program at IU requires students to hold assistantships in order to remain in the program. While these types of positions benefit the institution by providing reduced-cost labor, students often receive things like tuition remission, stipends, housing, etc. as compensation for their work.

Finding my happiness during Outreach (interview days) at IU

The assistantship I accepted – a Resident Director position  – covers all of the above and more. I’m tremendously lucky to have so many expenses taken care of. The tuition remission takes care of the in-state portion of my tuition and I am responsible for the out-of-state part. I interviewed for and accepted the position knowing this, understanding that I would have to rely on loans and/or scholarships for some of the cost.

Despite telling my parents about the partial tuition waiver, I didn’t make clear enough that I would still need to cover the rest of IU’s tuition. It came up in conversation with my mom early last week and she was livid. My dad felt similarly and insisted I hadn’t told him about the tuition situation (even though I am certain I had).

The past week and a half have been rather tumultuous. I’ve become the verbal punching bag for my parents’ anxieties about my future. They’ve made it clear that they are no longer proud of me, that my decision was selfish and poorly-calculated. My mom keeps referring to it as my “big mess-up.”

I’m entirely responsible for my grad school expenses, but they’re afraid I’ll never be able to pay off any student loans or afford a comfortable lifestyle. Prior to this fiasco, I had faith that things would work out just fine, but now I share the same fears as my parents. I do not regret my decision in my program or assistantship, but I’m anxious at the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

My dad is the Dean of the College of Business at a public university in Ohio and (as my parents have reminded me several times this past week) I could have gone there for free. Or I could have chosen a different assistantship. Or I could have gotten a job instead of pursuing more school. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel guilty about not choosing these paths.

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Looking at the city I’ll soon call ‘home’

The nerves have taken a toll on me physically and emotionally and I’ve been incredibly stressed about money (my budget is so tight that I couldn’t purchase toilet paper when I ran out last week…luckily I had Kleenex on hand). I’m afraid of failing financially in a way that messes up my life forever.

But the reality is, I followed my heart. I went with the route I knew I wanted to go from the beginning and I don’t regret it. Throughout the course of this year, I realized that attending the institution where my dad works – and potentially living at home for two more years – was impossible because of my parents’ views on my sexuality and other things; it’s time to let myself thrive with the people and places I once only dreamed of getting to know. I couldn’t be more happy to start at Indiana this August and I’m excitedly counting down the days to my assistantship start date in July.

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My first visit to Marian where I’ll work as an RD starting this July

I got into my top choice program and landed a position that will surely bring amazing experiences and opportunities my way; I had to work really hard to get there. Despite my parents’ anger, disappointment, and nervousness, I’m proud of myself and looking forward to what’s to come.

Of course, words of assurance, financial success stories, personal tips, and anything that reaffirms that I’m headed in the right direction are welcome! However, I’m happy with my decisions and can’t wait to start anew in just 53 days.

 

Full Circle

At the end of my freshman year of college, I hit a rough patch with depression. I didn’t recognize the depression because I felt about as depressed as I normally did, but more tired, more anxious, more on-edge. As a newly hired RA for the upcoming academic year, I had one responsibility: to pick up a book that was assigned for reading over the summer.

Instead of retrieving the book from the pick-up location, as I was instructed to do in at least three reminder emails, I dealt with depression and finals and went home for the summer with no book in hand. Halfway through the summer, I emailed the Director of Residence Life at Miami (my boss’s boss’s boss’s boss), asking to have the book sent to me. The director replied promptly, and instead of offering to send the book my way, told me I would have to meet with him in order to pick up the book. Shortly after our email exchange, I made the trek to Oxford to meet in person. I shook with terrified anticipation as I waited in the lobby of the Office of Res Life, knowing my first impression as an RA was not representative of who I was as a person or who I would be in that position. About 30 seconds into my conversation with the director, I was in tears. Not just tears…heaving sobs.

Despite the director’s efforts to calm me down, my guilt won out and I cried through the entire 30-minute meeting. With a kind (albeit pitying) smile, the director assured me that he only wanted to meet to make sure I would be a good RA, that my mistake wouldn’t be habitual. I left feeling determined to do the absolute best that I could and then some.

Roughly three years later, I recounted this narrative with another Director of Residence Life (minus the bit about the sobbing) in response to an interview prompt asking me to talk about a past mistake. With my hair up, blazer on, necktie in place, and portfolio open on the table before me, I gave a brief summary of the incident and the lessons I took from it. About a month later, the same director shook my hand after offering me a position as a Resident Director to begin this July.

Walking to my car this afternoon, I crossed paths with Miami’s Director of Res Life. He asked me about finals and I told him I only had one more and then I’d be done. We talked briefly about how the time had flown by and then the conversation took a different turn. “You’ve done great,” he said, “I hope you enjoy seeing all the ways you’ve made an impact here.”

We parted ways for maybe the last time and it was all I could do to not burst into tears for another 30 minutes.

Lessons on Letting Go From PTSD

The past several weeks, I’ve been worse than normal at responding to texts and emails, but have become hyperactive on social media; I’ve been sleeping less, eating less, and feeling low on energy. It’s easy to attribute all of this to the whirlwind of pre-graduation life as I prepare to bid farewell to the places and people I’ve come to love over the past four years, but the truth is I’ve been battling it out with PTSD.

When I bring up PTSD, people probably think I’m talking about my sexual assault. Sometimes that’s correct, but the bulk of my trauma-related difficulties have to do with a series of events that occurred repeatedly over an extended period of time, starting prior to the assault. The trauma I experienced was entirely emotional/psychological, which  (ironically) makes the mental health piece harder for others to understand than it is when I talk about my assault, which was more physical.

Without going into too much detail – it’s a long and painful story – I experienced repeated abandonment and rejection by a number of people who were supposed to care about me over a span of many months (or maybe years…I’m still not quite sure when it started). Since then, I’ve dealt with extreme difficulty in feeling worthy of connection.

It’s normal for people to flow in and out of our lives and given where I am in life as a young adult, people are in and out fairly frequently. But sometimes, the loss of a person (I’m referring to social loss, not death) triggers my PTSD by bringing up feelings of abandonment and rejection.

Even though I consciously know that I did not deserve the sh*t that went down years ago, I still very much believe that something was my fault. There must have been something I could’ve done differently to prevent those things from happening, to prevent everyone from leaving. Because of this, I often go into relationships trying hard to show the other person how much I care about them and that I’m worthy of connection.

And when people don’t stick around – either temporarily or forever, because we go separate ways, or they find me burdensome, or they simply need space – all of the old traumas come welling up from within. My mind scrambles to understand what happened, why, and what I can do to make it better.

Do they hate me or do they just need space? If they hate me, why? If they need space, in what ways did I take up too much? Was it that panic attack? That awkward thing I said? Was I burdensome? Was I rude? Can I make it better? If so, how? If not, why? Is this disconnect permanent or temporary? How can I do better? How can I prevent this from happening again?

Unfortunately, the ebbing and flowing of people is a part of life and unfortunately, it brings the feelings of abandonment and rejection back to the surface for me. I’ve gotten better at managing it over the years (#therapy), but it still affects me. This time around, it comes with flashbacks, insomnia, decreased appetite, decreased energy (which insomnia and decreased appetite do not help), mood swings, and sporadic social patterns. It’s my brain attempting to un-shatter after experiencing rejection by another person with whom it tried to connect.

However, I have a support system I know I can count on, I’ve been reminding myself to eat, I’ve been journaling before bed to help me sleep, I’ve spent some time in nature, and I’ve prayed some.

On Tuesday, my therapist and I came to an awesome conclusion about these situations: I need to let go. I need to let go of the idea that I should go out of my way to “make” people like me – they either like me or they don’t; it’s out of my control – and I need to let go of the people who leave. As my therapist put it, “You have a lot of love to give and if they don’t want it, it’s their loss.”

In the next few days, I’ll begin saying more good-byes to people I care deeply about. Some will be good-bye for now and others good-bye forever, but I hope they’re good good-byes. I want us all to leave knowing that we are worthy of each other’s connection. That we are enough as we are. That I am enough as I am.

Maybe then I’ll sleep a little easier at night.

Stuff I’ve Been Reading Lately (+ My 2017 Summer Reading List)

Sunday was World Book Day, so this post is a tad late, but books are always important, right? I want to talk about some new additions to my bookshelf over the few months, as well as list some things I hope to read over the summer, but I’m not planning to create a detailed book review; I just want to share a few of the reasons I think these books were great.

Stuff I’ve Been Reading Lately

  1. The Reader by Bernhard Schlink
    This fiction novel takes place in post-WWII Germany and involves a romance between a woman and a young boy. It’s scandalous, but not in the way it probably sounds on paper…there’s depth. It was part of Oprah’s Book Club, so it’s got some merit.
  2. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
    If you aren’t already a fan of Brené Brown, watch her TED Talk on “The power of vulnerability” and be enlightened. Brené is incredible. Whenever I meet another person who appreciates her work, it’s an opportunity for instant friendship. This book got me through the grad school interview process. Go read it. Now.
  3. Lavender by Christopher Poindexter
    Wonderful poetry. Unfortunately, it’s currently sold out on Amazon, but I suggest getting your hands on a copy ASAP. Selections from this book informed some of my recent poetry and I continue to look to Poindexter’s style for inspiration. A current student in the grad program I’m entering this fall recommended it to me during my interview days in Indiana and inadvertently got me started on a poetry kick.
  4. Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately by Alicia Cook
    Also amazing poetry. Also recommended to me by the same person who suggested Lavender. The poems are honest and emotional as Cook chronicles her journey through addiction recovery…and as if the poems themselves weren’t enough, Cook suggests a song for the reader to listen to with each one. Invest in some tissues.
  5. The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros
    I’ve read this book multiple times and it doesn’t get old. Cisneros writes from the perspective of a young Mexican-American girl caught between childhood and adolescence. It’s humorous at times, sad at others, and raw throughout. Like the poetry books, it’s a quick read that really packs a punch.

Stuff I Plan to Read this Summer (and know very little about)

  1. Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur
    Good poetry.
  2. We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
    While the author recently faced criticism for perpetuating transphobia (disguised as “feminism,” nonetheless), I’ve heard awesome things about this book and its commentary on the importance of feminism in contemporary society.
  3. Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
    This one connects current race issues in the United States with the country’s history and illustrates how race as a social construct has acted as a foundation of American society since the beginning. Coates focuses especially upon how race-based U.S. society disadvantages black people in particular.
  4. Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
    I honestly don’t know much about this novel other than that it highlights issues of race, immigration, and culture. It’s written by the same author as We Should All Be Feminists (above) and has received strong reviews.
  5. Behold the Dreamers: A Novel by Imbolo Mbue
    Written by a Cameroonian immigrant, about a family of Cameroonian immigrants, this fictional story illustrates the triumphs and challenges faced by immigrants in the U.S. during the 2007-2008 financial crisis.
  6. Nevada by Imogen Binnie
    I first saw this one at a cute little bookstore in Indianapolis in February and it’s been on my mind since. The protagonist is a queer trans woman in NYC, and while I don’t know much beyond that, it has some pretty solid reviews.
  7. Citizen: An American Lyric by Claudie Rankine
    This one talks about seemingly small racist aggressions (aka microaggressions) as they appear in everyday life in the twenty-first century. Rankine explores the effects of racism in modern day society.